If Only
by missmartian369
Summary: Traci finds herself slowly going down a hole of despair that she just can't get pull herself out of. Ready to give up, can Jaime and her friends help her out of it?


**A/N: This is my first Blue13 one-shot! So far in the show Traci is just shown to be a spunky, happy-go-lucky fan girl who is also Jaime's girlfriend and I think it's great! I love her character in the show, but I also know that there could be more to her character and it seems like with all of the characters in season 3, there's just not enough time to give characters like Traci Thurston some development. So I decided to give it a try with this one-shot! This is somewhat of a song fic, with the song 'If Only' from the first Descendants being used. It's a fantastic song and I really recommend it if you haven't heard it before! And I really hope I did it justice in this one-shot. I hope you guys enjoy!**

**I do not own anything Young Justice, nor the songs from Descendants.**

* * *

The Outsiders went back to The Hub to celebrate their recent victory of their first mission in Brooklyn, New York. All of the Outsiders were present, as well as all of the members of the covert team and Ed and Perdita. Everyone was scattered around The Hub doing various activities: Bart was playing a game of air hockey with Ed with Jaime and Brion watching, Virgil and Garfield were playing a video game on the screen with Forager watching with delight and Victor sitting beside him looking at his phone, Cassie, Violet, and Perdita were in the kitchen preparing the food, and Traci and Tara were setting the table.

Traci was putting down plates when she heard Victor get the attention of the members of The Outsiders.

"You guys are really starting to trend on Flitter-International. Basically all I'm seeing on my timeline is #WeAreAllOutsiders." Victor said.

The Outsiders cheered amongst themselves, with Virgil and Garfield high-fiving each other, Cassie giving out a whoop-whoop, and Bart and Jaime smiling at each other. Everyone else gave them congratulatory words, as well.

Traci smiled to herself as she continued set plates down. She was very happy for The Outsiders and what have started to accomplish after just one mission. She was very proud of her friends and she was very proud of Jaime. The Reach Invasion was two years ago and even with all the good work he's done, there were a few people who still thought that Blue Beetle was bad news and she hated it. She was glad the Jaime would finally have the chance to show everyone the great hero she knew Blue to be. But that was a lot more than she could say for herself.

_A million thoughts in my head._

"_**God you're pathetic." **_A voice in Traci's head said.

"_**What?"**_ Traci thought to herself.

"_**That could be you with them helping to make a difference for meta-teens out there but instead you choose to hide." **_The voice said.

"_**No…no I'm not hiding. I'm just not ready to be out in the open like that." **_Traci thought back.

"_**No you're just a coward." **_The voice said.

"_**What?! I am not! I….!" **_Traci's thought was interrupted as she was brought back to reality. She ended up bumping into Tara, who was setting down the cups.

_Should I let my heart keep listening?_

"Oh! Oh I'm so sorry Tara! I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." Traci said.

"It's alright." Tara said with a smile. They continued to put down the rest of the plates and cups on the table.

_**I'm not a coward. I just know I'm not ready to be in the open like The Outsiders are." **_Traci thought to herself.

"_**Could have fooled me. Or should I say yourself." **_The voice said.

"_**What are you talking about? I'm not fooling myself about anything." **_Traci thought back. She knew her reasons for not joining The Outsiders and she wasn't going to let anything make her think otherwise….or so she thought.

"_**You keep telling yourself that, but is it really how you feel?" **_The voice asked.

"_**What do you mean? **_Traci thought back.

"_**Do you really just think that you didn't join The Outsiders just because you aren't ready?" **_The voice asked.

"_**Of course that's how I feel! I wouldn't just lie to myself!" **_Traci thought back.

"_**You just did." **_The voice said.

"_**Wha….what?" **_Traci thought back.

Traci and Tara finally finished putting down the plates and cups and now have started putting down napkins and utensils. However due to the internal battle she was currently having, Traci was having a hard time concentrating, which resulted in her sloppily putting down the utensils. To make matters worse, the emotions that Traci was feeling due to this internal conflict was starting to show on her face and Tara noticed.

"Are you okay Traci?" Tara asked, concerned.

"Huh?" Traci said, snapping back to reality once more, "Oh yeah I'm fine…just…..thinking." she added looking down at her work.

"Oh my gosh I'm being so messy with this. I'll fix it don't worry." Traci said with a forced smile. She began to clean up her sloppy utensil work.

"Ok." Tara said, unsurely. She went back to putting down the napkins on the table, still worried about Traci. And she wasn't the only one.

Jaime looked over to Traci and Tara about five minutes ago and noticed the distressed look on his girlfriends' face. Although he was concerned, he did not go over, but he decide to keep an eye on her.

'_Cause up 'til now I've walked the line._

"_**You know exactly what. You didn't join The Outsiders because you weren't ready. You didn't join because coward." **_The voice said again.

"_**No…..no that's not true! I'm not ready for the sport light!" **_Traci thought back, _**"Besides I still don't have a full grasp on my powers-!" **_Her thought was then interrupted.

"_**That just makes things worse and you know it!" **_The voice snapped.

"_**No….no that's not it!" **_Traci retorted.

The table was now set and Traci and Tara, with the help of Cassie, Violet, and Perdita, were now placing food on the table.

"_**It does! Almost a year under Zatanna's guidance and you still can't fully grasp your powers! It's sad…and I think you already know that." **_The voice said.

"_**What? No!" **_Traci thought back.

"_**Yes you do. You know that it's just pathetic that you still can't get a grasp on your powers after this long and you know that it makes you a lousy hero!" **_The voice said.

"_**I am NOT a lousy hero! I'm a good hero and I'm doing great things on the team!" **_Traci thought back. She didn't notice it but she started to tremble a little.

"_**A hero that can't give other meta-teens out there with similar magical abilities someone to look up to because she's too scared due to the fact that she can't get a grasp on her powers. You're so sad." **_The voice said.

"_**No…..no that's not…..it can't be….WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" **_Traci snapped back, her inner voice trembling.

"_**Don't you get it…I'm you. I'm your true inner thoughts." **_The voice said. Traci nearly stopped in her tracks.

"_**No…..no it can't be. I can't really be thinking this. I….I don't want to!" **_Traci thought back, somewhat defeated.

"_**But you do. I'm the thoughts you've always had ever since you started this hero business. The thoughts you pushed away deep down, only for them to come back in full force. You can't hide from your true feelings Traci." **_The voice said.

"_**No….." **_Traci thought back.

"_**Yes. You're nothing but a sad and pathetic excuse for a hero." **_The voice said.

"_**NO!" **_Traci thought. Once again, she was brought back to reality, this time by the sound of a splash and a bang.

During her inner conflict, Traci ended up picking up a bowl of salad to put onto the table around the same time a Cassie picked up a pitcher of punch. However, also due to her inner conflict, Traci wasn't paying attention to where she was going and ended up going in the wrong direction and collided into Cassie, which resulted in both of them dropping the pitcher of punch and bowl of salad.

Everyone was alerted by the sound of the salad bowl and punch pitcher hitting the ground and turned their heads towards the kitchen. Punch and salad was splattered all over the floor, on the bottom of Cassie and Traci's pants, and on their shoes.

"Ugh Traci you made me drop the punch!" Cassie said, clearly annoyed at the mess.

"I…I'm sorry Cassie. I wasn't looking where I was going." Traci said.

"Look at this! There's punch and salad all over the floor!" Cassie said, looking at the floor.

"It's okay Cassie. We can make some more punch and salad." Perdita said.

"Yeah we have a lot of back stock." Garfield said, walking over to the scene.

"Cassie I…..I didn't mean to-!" Traci started, but Cassie interrupted her.

"Traci seriously you have been acting weird for like the past 20 minutes. You bump into Tara, from what she told us you were setting up the utensils all messy, and now you bump into me causing this whole mess. Like seriously what is wrong with you?!" Cassie exclaimed, clearly upset and frustrated over the mess that was made and taking it out on Traci.

_Nothing lost but something missing._

Traci looked at Cassie with a deer in headlights look. Emotions then started to consume her and she began looking anywhere except but Cassie's face, blinking rapidly.

The annoyed look on Cassie's face soon disappeared and was replaced with a look of shock and concern at the distressed look on her friends face.

"Hey…..hey Trac its fine don't worry about it." Cassie said, trying to fix her mistake, "They're right it's not a big deal we can clean it up." She added. Traci only put her hands up and put a forced smile on her face.

"No….no you're right it was my fault. I…..I should have been paying more attention. I guess I'm just screwing up all over the place tonight." Traci said, the forced smile dropping a bit.

"No Traci I didn't mean-!" Cassie started.

"I'm…I'm going to go out on the balcony. I…..I just need some air. Plus I don't want to mess things up more than I have already." Traci said, forcing her smile back up.

"Traci…" Cassie said, her heart breaking at the look on her friends face.

"I'll be back…just let me know when everything is ready." Traci said, then quickly turned to walk out the kitchen and up the stairs towards the balcony. Only Jaime noticed the tears that started forming in her eyes.

"Traci wait! I-!" Cassie said, starting to go after her, only to be stopped by Jaime.

"It's okay Cassie I'll go talk to her." Jaime told her with a comforting tone and smile on his face, "Go clan yourself up I got this." He added with the same comforting tone. He then turned to go up the stairs to the balcony.

Cassie watched him go and then put her face into her hands, groaning.

"I didn't mean to hurt her feelings." Cassie said into her hands. Perdita put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Out on the balcony, Traci was pacing back and forth trying to calm herself down to no avail.

_I can't decide._

The truth hit her like a sack of bricks. All of those thoughts that that negative voice in her head brought up was really how she felt. Ever since she started training with Zatanna she always had doubts about herself and those doubts only grew stronger when she saw that it was taking her longer to grasp her powers than she thought it would. It just made her feel like she was just wasting everyone's time.

She stopped pacing and walked over to the balcony railing and leaned on it, looking out at Hollywood before her.

_What's wrong, what's right._

She tried pushing those negative thoughts away as she didn't want to have a negative outlook on the whole situation. Plus as time went on she did notice herself getting better at her powers, so those negative thoughts she had just had to be wrong. Right?

Wrong. Just when she thought that she was out of the wood, Beast Boy decided to form The Outsiders, taking Wonder Girl, Static, Blue Beetle, Kid Flash, and Geo-Force with him. She was so happy and proud of all of them for giving meta-teens out in the world some inspiration and a voice that they so desperately need and deserve. And she knew that there had to be meta-teens out there who had magic-based powers just like her, so once she was ready she would definitely join The Outsiders to give them a voice, as well.

However, would she ever be ready? Even though she has been making progress, she's also making mistakes, and lately this past month it seems like she's making more mistakes, during her training and sometimes even on missions. She was lucky that she even was able to bring down the helicopter that Psimon and Devastation took Perdita in on Thanksgiving. This past month that negative voice came back and even though she tried to push them away, but they kept coming back stronger.

They were the strongest tonight, and Traci knew that she wouldn't be able to fight them much longer. Because maybe it's true. Maybe she will never be ready to be an Outsider. Maybe she never will get a full grasp on her powers. Maybe she never will be fully confident in herself as a hero. Maybe she is just…..just….

A tear escarped from Traci's eyes and went down her cheek.

"Pathetic." Traci whispered to herself as she covered her face with her hands.

_Which way should I go?_

"Traci?" A voice called out to her.

Traci gasped and quickly wiped her face. She turned around to see Jaime walking towards her.

"H….hi Jaime." Traci said to him as he walked up to her.

"Are you okay?" Jaime asked, concerned for his girlfriend.

"Yeah…..yeah I'm fine I just needed some air." Traci said, putting a forced smile on her face. She turned to gaze out into the Hollywood lights, Jaime following her lead.

"The view is beautiful isn't it?" Jaime asked her.

"Yeah it is." Traci said.

"….I saw the live feed of The Outsiders in Brooklyn." Traci said after a few seconds of silence, "You guys were great." She added.

"Thanks." Jaime said. There was more silence.

"You know Traci…what happened with Cassie in there…..." Jaime started, "She was just annoyed at the mess that was made like anyone would have been. She didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He added, turning his head to look at her.

"No she was right…I should have been watching where I was going." Traci said softly, looking down, "It's my fault that whole mess happened." She added.

"Traci it's not that big a deal. Its food it can get cleaned up." Jaime said.

"Thanks to old screw up me." Traci said with a dry laugh.

"Ok Traci what's wrong?" Jaime said, turning his whole body to face her.

"…..what do you mean? I told you I just needed some air." Traci responded, choosing to look out at the view instead of at Jaime.

"No Traci I think it's more than that. For the past month you've been acting weird. I know you to be this happy life loving person, but you seem down lately." Jaime told her.

"I'm still happy! I still love life!" Traci retorted, turning to face him.

"Yeah that's true, but it's also true that half the time it seems forced." Jaime said calmly, "The other half you either have a down look on your face and when I ask you about it you force yourself back to your natural self. It's making me worry about you." He added.

Traci only looked at him and then turned to look out at Hollywood once more. Jaime just waited for her to say something and after a moment she did.

"I didn't know I was bothering you like that." Traci said quietly.

"What?" Jaime said, confused.

"Maybe I'm just a bother to everyone." She added.

"Traci that's not what I meant! Where did that even come from?!" Jaime asked, perplexed.

Traci just closed her eyes, feeling her emotions starting to get the best of her.

"Traci that's not what I meant and you know that! Why would you even think that?!" Jaime asked her, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"Jaime…." Traci said softly as she got out of his grasp.

"Traci please talk to me." Jaime told her.

"Jaime…" Traci said again, shaking her head with her eyes closed.

"Traci please you can talk to me, you can talk to Cassie, you can talk to any of us!" Jaime pleaded with her.

"Jaime I…." Traci began but couldn't get the rest out.

"Is it that you want to quit the team?" Jaime asked.

"No I…." once again she couldn't get her thoughts out.

"Have you been fighting with your dad?" Jaime asked.

"No that's not it! I….." Traci covered her face with her eyes and squatted down to the ground.

"Then what is it?" Jaime asked concerned as he watched her crumble to the ground.

She couldn't hold it in any longer.

"I'M NOT A GOOD HERO OKAY!" Traci yelled, looking up at Jaime with tears in her eyes.

"Wha….what?" Jaime asked, confused.

"That's what this is about okay!" Traci said as she put her face back in her hands, crying.

"I don't….I don't understand." Jaime said.

"Ever since I started this whole hero business I've always been afraid that I wasn't good enough! I couldn't control my powers and I was all over the place. I thought that Zatanna could help me out but it's been almost a year and I still don't have it all the way together! For the past month it's like I've been spiraling down this hole that I just can't get out!" Traci cried into her hands.

While Traci was pouring her heart out, Jaime sat down on the floor and scooted up to where Traci was so that she was squatting in-between his legs and he put his arms around her in a hug. Traci moved from her squat position to crossing her legs, sitting in Jaime's lap, and put her head on his shoulder as she continued.

"That's why I decided to stay with the team! Because until I can get a hold on my powers I can't be out in the open giving meta-teens like me the inspiration and voice they deserve. But if I don't have it together now after it being almost a year with all the mistakes I still make during training and even on missions, what makes me think that I'll ever me ready to give those meta-teens what they deserve?! I'm honestly just wasting Zatanna's and everyone else's time!" Traci cried into his shoulder.

"Traci…you can't really think that?" Jaime asked softly.

"I do." Traci said, nodding into his shoulder, "I'm just sad and pathetic excuse for a hero that's too scared to be what those teens need because I can't even get it together." Traci cried, feeling absolutely defeated.

Jaime just held her as she continued to cry into his shoulder. After everything that Traci just poured out to him, he just felt his heart break. Is that what she really thought? He was surprised but also confused, because that couldn't be further from the truth in his eyes. Why couldn't she see how great she is?

"Traci I wish you didn't feel that way…..because it couldn't be more false." Jaime said softly.

_If only I knew what my heart was telling me._

Traci calmed down a little bit and raised her head from his shoulder to look up at him, tear stains all over her cheeks.

"Wha…..what?" She sniffed.

"What you just told me was false. It couldn't be further from the truth." Jaime said looking down at her. Traci shook her head.

"No Jaime it is true…..I-!" Traci started.

"Just because you don't have a full grasp on your powers yet doesn't mean you are sad or pathetic. You've been on the team for almost a year and you've made tremendous progress with learning to control your powers. Zatanna was just telling me the other day how proud she is of you. We all are. Hell we wouldn't have gotten Perdita back if it wasn't for you bringing down the helicopter." Jaime told her.

"But…..but I'm not even confident enough to be an Outsider." Traci said.

"And there's nothing wrong with that Traci! Your reasons make perfect sense. You're just not ready yet, and that's okay! Babe we all make mistakes, whether it's during training or during a mission. They are unavoidable. Don't ever feel ashamed of your mistakes because that is how we all learn." Jaime told her.

_Don't know what I'm feeling._

Traci was silent and just looked at Jaime in awe. She felt herself being pulled out of the hole she was slowly going down. She wanted to believe him so bad, but she was still scared.

"Jaime….what if…..what if I can't get there?" Traci asked.

"You will. Mistakes and all, you will be able to get a grasp on your powers Traci. I know you will. Traci you are such an amazing human being. Your smart, your kind, you genuinely care about others, and you want to do a lot of good in the world. That's what I see when I look at you Traci…and I wish you saw that, too." Jaime told her, rubbing the side of her head.

Traci was shocked to say the least. She didn't know that she meant that much to him. She felt herself being pulled out of the hole once more.

"I…I didn't know I meant that much to you." Traci said softly.

"Of course you do…I love you Traci." Jaime told her, looking straight into her eyes.

_Is this just a dream?_

Traci just continued to look up at him. Did he really just say that? I mean, she knew that she loved him, but she was too scared to tell him, so she liked to think that he loved her back. But now that she actually heard it from him, she felt so many different things. She felt happy, full of joy, relieved…but most of all…..she felt….safe.

Traci felt her face scrunch up with emotions as tears filled her eyes. She put her head back down on his shoulder and just cried. She released all of the pent up emotions that she pushed deep down away, feeling a weight being lifted off from her. Jaime just held her in his arms.

"It's okay I got you." Jaime whispered to her, along with other words of encouragement.

The only other person Traci fully felt safe to break down in front of like this was her father. What Jaime just told her in this moment proved to her that she was safe to bring down that wall she didn't know she had up. She could truly break down and feel no judgement from him.

After a few minutes Traci calmed down, stopped crying, and just stayed in Jaime's arms, eyes closed with her head on his shoulder. She just felt…at peace.

She found herself being pulled from the hole she was slowly going down. She found that negative voice of hers just fading away, better than she ever could, because she found herself doing something with Jaime that she hasn't been able to do with herself for the past month…she believed him.

"I…I love you too, Jaime." Traci said barely above a whisper. But it was loud enough for Jaime to hear her, and he just smiled.

_Ah oh, yeah._

"Hey guys the food is….oh!" A voice called out.

Jaime and Traci look to where they heard the voice come from and saw Cassie standing at the door.

"I'm sorry…I…..did I interrupt something?" Cassie said awkwardly.

"No no you're good." Jaime said chucking as he pulled himself and Traci off the ground.

"Oh ok….well you guys should come back inside now the food is all set. And I want you guys to get your helping before Bart eats it all." Cassie said, giving a chuckle herself.

"No we wouldn't want that." Jaime said with a laugh. He turned to Traci and grabbed her shoulders, giving her a kiss in the forehead.

"Come back in whenever you're ready. I'll get you a plate." Jaime told her affectionately.

"Ok." Traci said softly looking up at him with a small smile on her face. Genuine this time.

Jaime then walked towards the door where Cassie was standing by, put his hand on her shoulder as he gave her a small, and walked back inside.

Cassie smiled back at him and watched him go inside. She then turned her head to Traci and walked over to her. Traci was wiping her face when she noticed Cassie walk up to her.

"Hey are you alright?" Cassie asked, "You've been crying." She added softly.

"Yeah I'm okay." Traci said with a nervous laugh, "I was just having a moment." She added.

Cassie gave out a nervous laugh in response, and then silence consumed them both. Cassie looked down.

"You know Trac…what happened back in the kitchen…I shouldn't have blown up like that. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Cassie told Traci.

"No no Cassie its fine! It really wasn't you, I promise! I was just…." Traci couldn't finish her sentence as she closed her eyes and gave a tight smile. She felt tears coming up once more and herself slightly going down the hole again and covered her eyes with one of her hands. Cassie, seeing her friend tense up, grabbed her free hand.

"Traci what is it?" Cassie asked, concern all over her face.

"…..For the past month….I…I've just been feeling myself slowly go down a hole that I couldn't pull myself out of no matter how hard I tried." Traci said, voice cracking as she explained to Cassie everything that has been going on with her. As Cassie listened, she just felt her heart break into a million pieces.

"Traci….why didn't you say anything?" Cassie whispered, in disbelief that her friend was dealing with this all by herself, and disappointed in herself that she didn't notice.

"I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems. You all have more important things to worry about, especially now that most of you guys are on The Outsiders. And I don't know Violet, Brion, Victor, Forager, and Tara well enough to even be comfortable enough to speak to them about my problems. I just don't want to be a burden to any of you guys." Traci said, light tears coming escaping from her eyes and going down her face.

Cassie then felt herself get emotional, "Traci…..you will never be a burden. Not to me or any of us…God I feel like such a horrible friend!" She said, her voice cracking at her last sentence.

_If only I could read the signs in front of me._

Traci looked at Cassie surprised, "Cassie no…." She said.

"I can't believe I didn't see that you were hurting this much! Like you're my best friend!" Cassie said, tears forming in her eyes.

"And you're my best friend! Cassie you are an amazing friend to me!" Traci said, squeezing Cassie's hand, "I guess…..I guess I just wanted to keep up this happy-go-lucky persona that I have that I really got good at hiding my true feelings. Feelings that I just couldn't hold in anymore." She added.

Cassie wiped her eyes, "You know they always say that you need to check in on your strong friends…I guess this just shows that you need to check in with your happy friends, too." She added with a small laugh.

"Yeah I guess it does." Traci said, giving a small laugh herself. There was a moment of silence between the two friends.

"Traci…..if you ever feel like that again or even start to feel like that….for whatever reason….please come to me." Cassie told her friend, "You can come to me, Jaime, or any of us….just please come to us. We can help you." She added.

Traci smiled and wiped her eyes, "I know. And I promise I'll come to any of you guys in the future. I won't hold anything in anymore." She added.

"That's good….because I don't like seeing you sad." Cassie said, "None of us do. You're always so happy and full of joy and life. We all loves and wants to see you smile Traci! It's contagious and you light up the room whenever you're in it. And you're always there for us when we're down and we would be happy to return the favor to you because that's how much we love you." She added.

_I could find the way to who I'm meant to be._

Traci felt so touched by her words that she pulled Cassie into a tight hug that Cassie gladly retuned. She was pulled from the hole once again.

"Thank you." Traci whispered.

"No Traci, thank you." Cassie whispered back. They stayed like that for a moment more before pulling out of the hug.

"Okay! No more negative thoughts! Only positivity here on out!" Cassie said with a big smile on her face.

"You bet!" Traci said, chuckling.

"Now let's get back in there and feast!" Cassie said, looping her arm around Traci's.

"Ugh food sounds SO good right now." Traci laughed.

_Ah oh, if only._

The two girls walked back into the Hub and once they reached the top of the stairs, Traci was greeted with the surprise of her friends cheering upon seeing her.

"There you are!" Bart said with a big smile on his face.

"We were wondering when you would come back!" Virgil said.

"Come on Traci! We don't want celebrate without you!" Garfield said.

"Yeah it's not the same without you girl!" Perdita said.

All of her friends continued to give her words of love and encouragement. A huge smile formed on Traci's face and he hid her face in her free hand for a moment. When she looked back up she locked eyes with Jaime, who was looking at her with a soft smile on his face and love in his eyes. She gladly returned the look, only to be snapped back to reality Cassie who elbowed her with the arm that was looped around hers.

Traci looked to see Cassie looking at her with a smirk. A smirk of her own formed on her face as she elbowed Cassie back, getting a laugh out of her. They then proceeded to walk down the stair towards their friends at the table.

_If only._

Traci would make sure that never again would she fall into that hole she let herself fall in the first place. If only then she knew the support system she had in the family that she gained by choosing to become a hero.

"If only." She whispered to herself, smiling.

She now knew, and would never forget.

* * *

**A/N: I really hope this turned out good! I wanted to show that even though there are people out there who are genuinely happy-go-lucky people, they can only keep up that façade for so long until they just crumble and have a break down. I wanted to portray that with Traci because she does seem to be a happy person, but your happy friends need to be checked on just as much as you strong ones.**

**I hope you guys enjoyed and leave a comment if you want to! :):):)**


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